Building My Confidence and Evolving to Be A Better Me
Introduction
Are you familiar with the saying, ‘if everyone were the same, life would be boring?’ Cliche, right? But, it makes a lot of sense to me. As I begin to dig deep within myself I think, “How in the world did I get to a point in my life where I could not look at myself in the mirror?” Or I would say things like,” Why am I lacking the confidence that I need to level-up in life.” Let’s face it, there is only one of you and there is only one of me. Well, except if you have a twin, then there may be two of you, but even twins have different interests and personalities. Today, I will share my personal experiences about my highs and lows in life and what helped me build my confidence to evolve and to be a better me.
Photo taken by Tamara “T” Brown, Owner & Hair Stylist of Fringe Salon.
Website:https://www.fringesalonofmadison.com/
And The Story Begins
Picture this, Desirae and Monique plan to meet at a cafe to catch up on their busy lives. Desirae is beyond excited to see Monique because it has been over six months since they last visited each other. As Desirae pulls into the parking lot, she notices Monique waving and smiling while yelling her name in excitement. Monique looks amazing! You may ask,’ What do you mean when you say amazing?’ Honestly, the answer depends on your perspective. Desirae mentally gathers herself as she opens her car door. As she steps out of the car, Desirae and Monique warmly greet each other by hugging one another. Suddenly, all Desirae can think of is, I need to work on taking care of myself, more self-love.
I’m willing to bet many of us have felt the same way as Desirae. Have you ever felt that you were not enough? Or, felt like you cannot succeed in your passions and recognize that God has placed on your heart, out of fear? Did you answer yes to one or all of these questions? For those who haven’t experienced this, teach me something I don’t know; but I think most of us have reached it at some point in time.
What’s Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is confidence and satisfaction in oneself: self-respect.₁ It is believing in your ability and value.₂ Self-esteem is your overall opinion of yourself — how you feel about your abilities and limitations. When you have healthy self-esteem, you feel good about yourself and see yourself as deserving the respect of others. When you have low self-esteem, you put little value on your opinions and ideas.
Your self-esteem can affect whether you:
- Value yourself
- Make good decisions and assert yourself
- Recognize your capabilities
- Get out of your comfort zone
- Practice Self-Kindness
- Accept your mistakes and move forward
- Listen to your body and what you need
- Believing in yourself and your self-worth
- Recognize that you deserve happiness.
My Journey with Self-Esteem
Some of you may be able to relate to this, but my self-esteem began to decline during my elementary and middle school years. There were a group of kids who identified as “popular.” Have you ever thought, “Man… kids can be rude and heartless at times”? I’ve learned that there is a possibility that the merciless kids are either jealous of you or they are not confident in themselves. There is a possibility that the merciless kids will more than likely see that you are confident in who you are as an individual. Or they might not be confident in some areas about themselves and in efforts to make themselves feel better, they find something “wrong” with you. Isn’t that sad? A person feels compelled to express their opinions towards someone to feel good about themselves.
Growing up, I was always self-conscious about my left eye. My left eye tends to move spontaneously and I’m usually unaware of it, unless someone informs me. Some people may recognize it as amblyopia, or you may be more familiar with the term lazy eye. It is commonly known as the lazy eye because the stronger eye works better, and it usually starts during the early childhood stages of life. It is not easy for parents to know the symptoms and I do not know if I had any, but I do know that I was born premature by four months at 1 lb and 11 ounces, and that is a miracle within itself.
My Lazy Eye and Crowned Hair
Everyone has something about them that they do not like. But what makes us question our individualized beauty and self-image is when other people say unkind words that can make us feel like we are not enough. Growing up, people would tease and say “DeShala, which way are you looking!?” or ” What are you looking at!?” while smirking and laughing at me. Thankfully I was raised in a household where my dad would always remind me that I am special and beautiful. I thank God that my dad on earth reminded me who I was in Christ and my Father in heaven reminded me of what he called me on this earth to do.
I also was not educated enough about Black hair. My parents could not afford to take me to the salon as often as I wanted to. So, as any caring parent would do, they utilized home remedies to maintain the health of my hair to the best of their knowledge. As I got older, flat irons and curling irons were my friends. I straightened my hair often, and over time I lost my natural curl pattern. Little did I know that heat was not the enemy, but rather the number of times I applied heat (along with perms and manipulating it) would contribute to a loss in the hair department. I’ve always dreamed of long hair. But as I learned from others and educated myself, it is not about the length of the hair; it is about the hair’s health and knowing when to ask for help from someone who can teach me how to take care of it. I am grateful and proud of myself for growing in love with who I am as a person. I am more than my physical appearance, and I am thankful that I’ve overcome it. I had to learn that it is about how I perceive myself as a human and a woman.
I will be the first to admit that I’ve said a lot of unkind things about myself during the early stages of my life. The Bible says that death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat its fruit[1]. Words matter, and words can bring you down, or they can build you up. Additionally, It does not help that society has appointed such high expectations on what you should look like to feel beautiful. For example, some people choose to get plastic surgery to make themselves look “better,” to feel “good.” and to feel accepted. I am not for or against it, but it is not for me. Sadly, some people in society will never be delighted with who they are as individuals. The Bible says God loved us so much that he created us in His image[2].
Years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to an app called “Shut-Up Devil.” There are different terms that we’ve all struggled with at some point in time such as anger, confusion, discouragement, and fear. The goal of the app is help you overcome your associations with those words and win the battle. The uniqueness of this app is that you can click on a term and it will share a scripture and then you can “Talk Back” to the enemy to rebuke whatever thought that is trying to fill your mind with the lies and tricks of the enemy and replace it with faith-filled words. One of the terms that are listed in this app in insecurity and below you will find one of my favorite scriptures and “Talk Back” statements. It reads:
“And we know that for those who love God all things will work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose[3]”
Talk Back!
I love God and trust that He is working all things together for my good”
old me when you wish that you did or did not have something that God created just for you, it is like a slap in God’s face. You’re saying that God made a mistake. Queen, I want you to know that God does not make mistakes. I think it is important to know who you are as an individual and refrain from comparing yourself to others.
[1] Proverbs 18:21-KJV
[2] Genesis ,1:26-31-KJV
[3] Scripture-Romans 8:28 (ESV)
Caution, Comparing & Contrasting Is A No, No
Have you ever heard of the rapper Skee Lo who created the song, ‘I wish?’ If you haven’t, you are missing out on a 90’s jam. For those who have, you know that the lyrics are “I wish I were a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller, I wish had a girl who looked good, I would call her, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with an bat and six-four impala.”- if you haven’t already turned up the volume to the song, feel free to jam out to the song for a bit after you finish this blog. Have you ever been guilty of comparing yourself to others? How did it make you feel? I want to challenge your thinking and ask you when you compare yourself to others, how is it benefiting you?
Although this is a great song to jam out to, comparing yourself often makes you feel less than others. It is also a deadly weapon. I sometimes catch myself falling into this deadly pattern, like today (and I will overcome this). There are several people that I value in my life. One of them is my dad. He is my own personal comedian back at home. He reminds me that I need to laugh because it is good for my soul. If you have not laughed in a while, you should try it sometime; Seriously! Find your favorite comedy movie or show and laugh; it will lift your spirit.
I have a friend who is a sensible woman. For the sake of confidentiality, Let’s call her Loyalty. Loyalty has once shared that ‘we may wish to have someone else’s life, especially when we are on the outside looking in. Often, we don’t know what they’re dealing with when the camera is turned off. ‘That is so true! We need to be okay with dealing with and working through our problems because if we think about it, we may not be able to handle that person’s problem who we think is living their best life, and it may be too much for us to handle’. Finally, I appreciate my mom. She has always said, “I am the original”. Even though she was talking about herself (go mom!), I took that to heart. Think about it; no one can be you. You can develop your niche that can make a difference in society to help change lives. Now and then, I find myself mentally comparing and contrasting myself to others, but then I remind myself that God created the original D. I love being the best version of me, no pun intended. Embrace yourself!
Embracing Yourself
Embrace who you are as an individual. I enjoy helping others succeed in life and giving back to the community. I have a background in Social Work, currently I work at a school as a School Social Worker at an elementary school. My favorite part of my career is helping students with their social and emotional well-being. My favorite part of the job is reminding them that it is never too late to try again and continue their social and emotional journey. By no means is life easy, but you can always learn lessons through your trials and tribulations along the way. Remember that the trials and tribulations are (in the moment) for you, but it is also for you to help and teach someone else later in life. My suggestion is to make sure the individuals in your life are uplifting you and not bringing you down. Can you identify those individuals in your life? I’d advise that you take some time to journal them down and count your blessings, queen!
Website:https://www.fringesalonofmadison.com/
How To Build Self- Confidence?
Have you ever heard the saying, ‘You are who you surround yourself with’?
I think that is such an empowering statement. As I look back to my elementary years, I surrounded myself with people who I considered friends, but they were not completely confident in who they were as an individual at that point in time in their lives. This is aside from additional life factors that could have affected their self-esteem as well. Some examples of life factors are trauma, social media messages and images, home life, illness, age, among many other things. Today, I remind myself to treat myself with love, kindness, and to keep my head lifted high. I enjoy reading books, getting my nails done, journaling and exercising. These are just a few examples aside from other fun or mental health activities to keep my spirits lifted high.
Additionally, I am reading a book called “Every Woman Battle: Discovering God’s Plan For Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment by Shannon Ethridge. It is a great women’s study book for you and your girlfriends. I encourage you to check it out. In this book, there is a chapter that talks about understanding who we are in Christ. She lists three different boxes that say, “I am accepted in Christ,” “I am Secure in Christ,” and “I am Significant in Christ,” along with different scriptures that remind women about who they are when they are feeling lonely, insecure, or tempted. Additionally, I think these same scriptures will remind you (and me) of who you are as a woman. Who is a warrior for Christ because you are much more capable of doing what you desire to do in this life because God has placed you here for a purpose.
The Story Ends Here, For Now…
If you can relate to anything I’ve shared, please feel free to comment below on what resonated with you and what you learned about yourself as you build your confidence. For those who cannot relate, I hope this will allow you to learn and expand your knowledge to embrace who you are as an individual. I identify as a Black woman in Christ who is overjoyed daily with His love and grace. Can I get an Amen?
For more suggestions check out the list below to boost your confidence!
Overcoming Low Self-Esteem
- Be Kind to Yourself- Sometimes, we are our worst critics. You are all you have, so treat yourself with respect. Learn to love who you are and embrace it.
- Write Affirmations and post them around your home or write them in a journal.
- Surround yourself with people who care for you. Sometimes your loved ones and friends see amazing things about you that you do not see about yourself.
- Nutrition/Exercise- Find a workout app or buddy. Build a hobby and cook/bake new recipes. It is fun, trust me!
- Mindfulness- One of the worst places to get stuck is in your head. Call a family member or friend. Listen to music or watch an encouraging movie/show.
Check This Out! 🤎
What helps you build your confidence daily? Please share your story and connect with me. I would love to hear them! Remember, Prayer Changes Things!
That is all for now,
🤎DeShala🤎