There are no secrets that time does not reveal.-Jean Racine
Introduction
Today’s blog is a continuation of the “D. Walk Childhood Memories: Trauma Story Part One.” I encourage you to check it out to learn more about my childhood story before you dive into Trauma Story Part 2. Trauma story part one focused on defining the term (childhood) molestation and the effects that it may have on children. I talked about the emotions and struggles that I’ve experienced that stemmed from my childhood. Today’s blog will focus on my childhood trauma in more detail, from what I remember to the best of my ability. Please take caution, some of the information in this blog displays sensitive information that is not easy for me to share and it is a journey for me to continue to heal from.
“Remembering is easy. It’s forgetting that is hard.”
–Brodi Ashton
D. Walk
I grew up in a small city in Wisconsin and attended a diverse elementary school. Back then, I remember teachers and substitute teachers who looked like me. My education journey started off by attending a 4k school that consistently checked on my cognitive capabilities because I was born premature. My mom told me that I passed all the tests, praise God! God was raising a special child and he knew the plan that he had for my life. I transitioned to an elementary school for a short period of time. Internally I am laughing because I can hear my mom say, “ I got sick of driving 15-20 minutes to and from home to take you to school.” If you knew my mom and her personality, you would laugh too. Then finally, I landed at Merrill elementary school for first through fifth grade.
My first-grade experience may have been similar to yours. You go to school to learn, play, make friends, and go home. Most students enjoy gym class, but my favorite class was music and going to the Library Media Center (LMC). I enjoyed singing and going to the library to read books like “Arthur’s new Puppy”, by Marc Brown and the “Green Eggs and Ham”, by Dr. Suess. I dreaded going home after school because I knew that my parents were still at work. Which meant that my babysitter came by to take care of me and my sibling. At least that is what my parents expected him to do.
At the time, my parents were both working second shift and it was convenient to have a family member babysit us. Most of my baby-sitters were pleasant to be around. They fed us, gave us age-appropriate toys to play with such as puzzles, and books, or took us to the park at times. Unfortunately, there was one baby-sitter who thought it was fun to take their play “adventure” to the next level, and to this very day, I do not understand why. None of it makes sense to me and it is still a disappointment about his actions towards me. I still don’t understand what he was thinking at the time. I guess this is why I wish that I could completely erase the memory or that I had the courage to say something when the incident was fresh. Next, I will share some of the incidents to the best of my ability. From what I remember, there were two different incidents that occurred at this point of time in my life. I think this is as vulnerable as a person can get.
Secrets are dark things. They don’t exist in the light. They glow faintly in forgotten colors, in mysterious mind nooks, in lost memory maps. Secrets are the shadows of the soul.
-Sukanya Venkatraghavan
Forgetting to Forget
If you are following my story, I shared my childhood was not bad, but there are moments in your childhood when you wish you could go back and replay it. These moments in my childhood reminded me of simpler times and the joys of being a child. Then there are moments that you want to stop replaying it because it is something that you wish you could forget. As you read on, you will understand why.
Incident #1
I remember it like it was yesterday. For you to understand the story a little better, I would like to describe the layout of my bathroom. When you enter the bathroom door, the sink was on the right side. Next to the sink was the toilet and directly across was the bathtub. For whatever reason, the perpetrator told me to go to the bathroom. I automatically thought that he wanted me to try to go to the bathroom, and I pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet. I did not have to go at the time. Then he told me to stand up and to stand in front of the tub and bend over. I don’t think I need to go into much detail as far as what happened next.
As it was happening, I remember crying as my face was feeling uncomfortable on the bathroom rug. Apparently, he wanted me to stop crying so he thought it would be a better idea to prop my body up towards the bathtub and to me, that was still uncomfortable. I remember feeling my body react to the trauma and I ended up having a bowel movement as he exited out of me. He was upset and I tried to clean myself up a little, but he told me to leave so that he can clean himself up. I cried and I did not understand what happened to me. I also remember feeling disgusting and uncomfortable because I could smell myself and I did not want to go to bed without feeling clean.
Incident #2
At this point and time, I was watching Johnny Bravo or the Power Puff Girls on TV. I remember a brown bed with the drawers at the bottom. Due to my bowel movement the first time, he asked me if I had to go the bathroom this time and I said no. He told me to turn around and bend over a second time, but this time he asked if I was feeling pain and I said that it did not hurt as much. Then he entered a second time. At this point and time, I felt my body rock back and forth as I was watching TV. As I reflect on what happened, I completely dissociated from what was happening as I was watching TV. It was easier for me to separate myself from my body and the pain I was feeling as he was violating my body. Then I fell asleep. I do not remember what happened after that.
The Touching Rule
I believe that my story would be different if I have acted out externally versus internally. An example of an external factor is acting out by yelling or throwing a fit. An example of an internal factor is keeping things to myself. I think that if I would have known any better- I would have reported to my mom and dad right away. Unfortunately, I acted out internally and I froze. My experience paralyzed me physically and emotionally numb to my body’s violation. I did not say anything.
I am a school Social Worker at an elementary school, and every year I teach the kids about safety lessons from the Second Step curriculum:
- Lesson One: Ways to Stay Safe
- Lesson Two: The Always Ask First Rule
- Lesson Three: Safe and Unsafe Touches
- Lesson Four: The Touching Rule
- Lesson Five: Practicing Staying Safe
- Lesson Six: Reviewing Safety Lessons
The classroom teachers are responsible for teaching five out of the six lessons. As a School Social Worker, I go into the classroom and teach Lesson four, The Touching Rule:
“A person should never touch your private body parts except to keep you healthy.”
This teaches students to stay safe by recognizing if something is safe, saying words that mean no, and reporting the unsafe incident to a trusted adult. I am very passionate about this topic. I’ve shared with students that it is important to report because I’ve heard stories from children and adults within my lifetime who have shared with me that their trusted adult did not believe them. That is why it is important to continue reporting to the same adult or to report to another adult at home and at school.
What do you think about the touching rule?
Does it make sense to you, or should it be worded a little differently?
As I look back to my childhood, I remember feeling many feelings that a young girl should not have been feeling. I knew that something was wrong with the way I was feeling and thinking because I knew that it was not normal. But when you are living it, it feels normal. I felt hopeless and questioned if it was okay. Sometimes I think to myself, would things be different if the molestation did not happen? In what ways would I react differently when I am feeling like I am in stressful situations? Unfortunately, I developed triggers that I’ve managed to control over the years and it is still a work in progress.
“You can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood.”
-unknown
To Be Continued
I am still going through the healing process, learning more about myself as time goes on. I did not come this far to give up. Sometimes the people who are the most bubbly or happy are the people who need the most support and love. I praise God that he (God) is my backbone and that he is always with me as I live life. As I conquer and move past the hills and valleys.
His story (My Heavenly Father is my story that he wants me to live out). Without Him, I would not be here today sharing my story. Without the Holy Spirit, I would not have the confidence that I have today to make a difference that will give others the confidence to do the same and not feel ashamed. Stay tuned for Trauma Story Part Three to learn more about the additional effects it had on my childhood.
“If you never heal from what hurt you, then you’ll bleed on people who did not cut you.”
-Karen Salmansohn
Stay Blessed,
🤎 D 🤎