“Forgiveness is a launch pad towards the path that God wants to take you. It’s not for them, it is for you.”
Introduction
Today’s blog is a continuation of the “Home Therapy Session Part One: Praying To God and Telling my dad.” I encourage you to check it out to learn more about the conversation I had with my dad before you read on to Therapy Session Part 2. Therapy session part one focused on telling my dad about the abuse I endured when I was six years old. I did not have the courage to take the initial step to share what happened. I go into detail about the emotions I experienced before, during, and after I shared my trauma. Today’s blog will focus on confronting my abuser and believe me when I tell you that it was scary. But I knew I was beginning the process of freeing myself. I will walk you through what happened next and then I will go into further detail about my rollercoaster of emotions.
Disclaimer: some of the information in this blog displays sensitive information that is not easy for me to share, and it is a journey for me to continue to heal from.
Dreams
Do you remember your most recent intense dream? I am talking about dreams that you write in your journal or post on your vision board because you believe that they will come true in due time. I am talking about that dream that you know you cannot share with everybody because you know that they may say something that will crush you! Honey, that is called faith! Faith is believing in things that you cannot see. It may seem impossible to you and the naked eye, but when you put in the work and trust God, anything is possible!
I am sure you daydream about:
- The places you desire to travel to
- Your dream car
- Your dream home
- Your future-self
- Financial Goals
We all have them, and I am sure there has been a point in your life when your dream comes true. If it hasn’t YET, keep going, and don’t give up because you got this! Show yourself some gratitude for what you have accomplished thus far.
Have you ever gone to sleep and dreamed of something that you desire that made you feel amazing? Especially when the dream was so realistic, it felt like it was happening in real-time. Then you wake up feeling disappointed and you may have said something like, “Dang, that was just a dream.” What do you do before you go back to sleep?
- Nothing, you go back to sleep.
- Think about the dream for a bit and dose off.
- Write the dream down in your journal and pray for yourself to sleep.
I personally choose the option ‘C.’ I get excited after I dream of something that is positive and encouraging and I turn to God and patiently wait. But ya know we live in a fast pace world and we tend to become impatient about the dreams we want to see happen right now! I’m sure you can relate!?!
You are probably wondering “the why” behind the topic of dreams. Well, confronting my abuser started off as a dream. In this dream, he admitted to what he did was wrong. I was quick to wake up, smile with tears rolling down my face, write it in my journal, and then I prayed about it. But sometimes, dreams do not come true as soon as we desire them to. “Why?” you ask. If I had the answer, I would tell you.
–Psalm 118:24
Transition Time
I encourage you to repeat the scripture Psalm 118:24 every day you wake up and watch God work! It was a Sunday morning on May 22nd, 2022. I was getting ready for church, and I knew that this was the day that I was going to confront the abuser about what happened. Thankfully, I did not have to do it on my own. I am thankful that my dad is always there for me when I need him. He has always been a blessing and over time I’ve grown to open up to him about things that are hard to talk about. However, it felt good to let the feeling of anxiety go and be open and honest about how I was feeling about the abuse.
Shortly after the church was over I drove to my dad’s house and if I remember correctly, he was ready to leave when I pulled into the driveway. I walked into the home, and he asked if I was ready. My heart began to race while I was cautiously and quietly trying to remain calm, I said “Yes.” I was cautious because I was trying not to show that I was nervous and I did not know what was going to happened next. I began to stall a little bit when I said that I had to use the bathroom and I wanted some water. But then suddenly I had a change of heart. I said, “I just want to get this over with.” I knew that once I made the initial step that there was no turning back and that it was going to set me free.
My dad called the abuser and I remember hearing his children in the background. He told my dad to hold on because he was ordering food for him and his family. As I was anticipating how my dad was going to start the conversation, I was surprised to learn that he started a casual conversation and said we wanted to visit him for a little bit. I was thankful that my dad was calm while he was talking to him, but I did not think that the abuser wanted to have a full-blown conversation with him.
As they started to converse, I followed my dad to the abuser’s home. Even though it was a 20-minute drive, it felt like the longest drive ever because I constantly was taking deep breaths and praying on the way. But I will say, now I was starting to feel uncomfortable, and I had no idea what was going to happen next. But, God! I was believing that he was with me every step of the way.
“What if we were to emphasize our brokenness and cracks instead of hiding them?”
It Is Now or Never
As my dad pulled into the driveway, he asked the abuser to come sit in his car and then he hung up with him. While we were waiting, my dad called me on my phone and asked me to get out of my car to sit in his (my dad’s) car so that a). We are in the same place together b). We wanted this to be a private conversation between the three of us. I think it is important to have conversations as serious as this privately so that the individual does not feel offended or hostage in his own home.
My dad was in the left driver seat, I was in the front, right passenger seat and the abuser was in the back right passenger seat. In the moment I hated that he was sitting behind me, but I was thankful that my dad was able to make eye contact with him. If I remember correctly, we prayed before my dad started sharing the reason why we were there and I respect my dad for kindly asking the abuser to not interrupt him as he was explaining why.
Psalm 30:5 (KJV)
Next, I will share the conversation from what I remember. Please note that some of the dialogue may not be completely accurate because this happened almost a year ago.
Dad: “Shala has explained to me what happened to her when you baby-sat her as a young girl. We are here to learn the truth about what happened and why you did it. I am going to let Shala lead the conversation and then we can continue on from there.”
Shala: “I want to know why you did it and I would like you to be honest with me.”
Abuser: “I remember when Shala messaged me on Facebook and asked me about this incident a couple years ago I told her back then that I would never do anything like that and I am sorry that this happened to her.
Shala: “I do not remember anyone else touching me inappropriately like that. Can you think of anyone else?”
Dad: “No one else would have baby-sat my kids at our home during that time frame.”
Abuser: “I don’t know, maybe it was John doe, who used to be my best friend, who used to hang out with me all the time.
Shala: “I am going to be honest. I don’t remember John doe ever touching me in that kind of way. When I have dreams, all I see is your face. To be honest, I remember the white underwear with red polka dots. I remember crying and I remember you inserting yourself inside of me from behind.”
The abuser started to get a little irritated and said, “I am sorry that this happened to you baby girl, but I would never do anything like that to you! I have a few daughters of my own and I can’t imagine how hurt you are feeling, I am very sorry baby girl. This is considered incest and I don’t do that. I hope you find the individual who did this to you.
I started to cry and shared this in a firm voice, “I know that I am not crazy!
Dad: “I know you are not baby girl”
Shala: “I know this happened to me and if you did not do it then tell me who did!”
Abuser: “Baby girl, it was not me and I am so so sorry. I am so so sorry. I wish I knew, and I wish I could help you.”
At that point and time, I was sick of him calling me ‘baby girl’ and I want to scream and tell him to stop saying baby girl. I was still crying, and I wanted to punch him, and tell him to get out the car! Then I reminded myself that I did go there to make a scene or hurt him because I was hurt. I went there to say, “I forgive you.” Even though I did not completely feel like saying it within that moment it was a breath of fresh air. I don’t remember how the conversation ended but my dad kindly said something like:
“I appreciate you taking the time listen to Shala, and we are about to head out to go home.”
As the abuser got out of the car he said, “I am so so sorry.” And then he walked away. My dad pulled out his driveway and shared that he was very proud of me for forgiving him. Ultimately it is not him to admit to his faults, but for you to forgive him so that you can start your journey of healing!” I was proud of myself.
I created the following poem after I confronted the abuser. It talks about analogies of how I was feeling while I was keeping my story a secret and how I felt when I exposed it so that I can walk in freedom!
The Truth will set YOU Free!
Metaphorically It’s like he (the abuser) left you with a backpack full of rotten and molded garbage.
You felt that you had to carry the burden for the rest of your life.
Every year, the smell grew stronger, and it felt like a heavy burden that was hard to let go.
This is what the enemy wanted. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
But God!
The heaviness and the smell of the trash went away the day you told your dad, and the bomb was disarmed when you confronted him. You Win 🥇 You live 🏆. You are not moving forward towards an ordinary life, but your victory belongs to Jesus.
-D. Walker
“God did not force us to choose, BUT he also did not LEAVE US there.”
Stay Blessed,
🤎 D 🤎