Trauma Story Part I
There are wounds that never show up on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
-Laurell K Hamilton
Introduction
As I press the keys on my keyboard and cringe at my feet, I know that today’s blog post pushes me out of my comfort zone. I think it is essential to be transparent about what I was struggling with and how I’ve evolved into the woman I am progressing to be. I am passionate about seeking a bigger and better future for my life and my future kid’s life. My goal is to continue to overcome challenges that I am faced with and leave a legacy on this earth to remind young girls and women that your past does not define who you are. You are in control of your future. Today’s blog post will focus on defining the term (childhood) molestation and the effects that it can have on children. I will walk you through the emotions and struggles that I’ve experienced that stemmed from my childhood, and in a later blog post, I will share my struggles I’ve encountered as an adult.
Sexual Assault is a broad term for standard terms such as rape and childhood molestation and is not something I take lightly.
What is molestation?
Molestation Definition
Unfortunately, many people grow up feeling like they are the only one who has been through such a horrific tragedy. But that is far from the truth. Molestation is defined as something or someone making improper or inappropriate physical force and unusual contact with someone (usually a minor). Another definition describes it as
- someone touching a minor private part(s)
- exposing their genitalia
- taking pornographic pictures
- sexual acts with the molester or other children
Molestation also applies to incest by a relative with a minor family member and any sexual acts short of rape. Below is some of the list of consequences documented by the Center for Disease Control (CDC):
Experiencing child sexual abuse can affect how a person thinks, acts, and feels over a lifetime. This can result in short- and long-term physical, mental, and behavioral health consequences.
Examples of physical health consequences include:
- sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- physical injuries
- chronic conditions later in life, such as heart disease, obesity, and cancer
Examples of mental health consequences include:
- depression
- posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms
- Complex -Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD)
We’ve all experienced some good times and “lesson-learned” moments in our life that shape how we think and perceive things today. However, that does not mean that you must stay in a defeated mindset. But have you really taken the time to reflect on something from your childhood that made you smile, cry, or scare you? Read on to learn more about D. Walk, me.
D.Walk
If you were anything like me as a kid, all I wanted to do was eat and play instead of going to bed early. I stayed up late to watch my favorite TV show, The PowerPuff Girls, played with my sibling, or read a book. Yes, I enjoyed reading until I fell asleep. Unlike most kids my age, I also enjoyed going to school. I was always the kid who was goofy and had a ridiculous amount of energy). Finally, I loved to run, sing, and dance.
My dad described me as a happy kid who always looked forward to attending school. Most people dreaded going to school, but not me. Every year, I would go school supply shopping with my mom or dad, and as soon as I arrived home, I would take all of my school supplies out of the Walmart bag and put them in my backpack. I usually organized my notebooks and folders by color. I put my scissors, glue, pencils, and eraser in the pencil box because I was so eager to learn and level up. This is probably why I am so organized today.
My mom described me as a giddy child, kiddo full of life, energy, and giggles. I was always conscious about the way I presented myself when it comes to my apparel and hairstyles ; believe it or not, I am still like that person today. My mom told me that as a child I scared one of my aunties when I nearly ran across the street. The street was not a busy street, but people tend to accelerate faster than 25 hours per hour which is why my aunt reaction was so big. I made her stitches rip out of her skin. OUCH!-sorry, auntie. You can say I scared her so bad that I was in a lot of trouble that day, and she might have been frustrated with her injury too. Who knows!?
I was raised in a home where my parents worked a job to pay the bills and keep food on the table to take care of my brother and me. I loved watching Cartoon Network and Disney Channel. Growing up, I considered myself a perfectionist, I wanted to be perfect, but we all know that we all fall short and make mistakes. I grew up with that mentality because I believe it was a culture value in my family. We hope to learn from our mistakes and have the courage to get up and try again.
I would describe myself as a bubbly kid who was the best low-key comedian in my hometown and school. Okay, okay, in my world, I was just a kid who loved to smile and to have fun. But I did make several loved ones and friends laugh regularly, and half the time, I was not trying to be funny. One of my friends shared with me that I make her laugh because I always say out loud about what she is thinking. I cherish these moments because it makes our conversation full of laughter and joy. I am too honest at times, but the truth will set you free!
My childhood was not bad and may be similar or different from yours. But, these are moments in your childhood when you wish you could go back and replay it. These moments in my childhood reminded me of simpler times and the joys of being a child. Then there are moments that you want to stop replaying it because it is something that you wish you could forget. I am sure you’ve heard the saying, “you can forgive a person, but you will not forget what they did to you.” What do you think?
–Sunkanya Venkatraghavan
Going Through The Motions
When I was molested at six years old, I was baffled about what was happening to me. I couldn’t make sense of it all. I remember crying during the incident, and I also remember feeling very uncomfortable around the perpetrator. I remember playing with my toys or watching tv, and the perpetrator would grab his belt and take me to the bathroom (I never understood why). And then there were times when I did not have the energy to say anything. I would sit there in silence because it felt like I had no choice. I felt imprisoned in chains by the perpetrator. I remember him telling me to keep it a secret, but I also remember feeling embarrassed to say what happened to my parents because I did not think that they would believe me. And, if they did, believe me, I was afraid to know what was going to happen if he found out that someone else knew.
I remember experiencing different sensations feelings in my body that a kid should not have felt at such a young age. I remember normalizing the acts because it was all I knew. Starting at the age of 6, I listened to many secular songs. I was introduced to sex so young that I’d normalized it. I grew up with sex addiction (unknowingly, it was addiction or that sex addiction was a thing). I was plagued with nightmares following the molestation. Some nights, I would wake up crying to God, asking why it happened to me. I went through a stage of crippling depression, and I had thoughts about committing suicide. I wanted to be free from those painful times in my life. Suicide seemed like the best option at the time. Who wants to suffer from constant pain and heartache?
Every blue moon I have a sharp pain in my tailbone. `There are days that the pain is so severe that it wakes me up out of my sleep. Someone once told me that this happens to me from time to time due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and that was hard to hear because I was in denial about it. I’ve never been diagnosed with PTSD officially, but the symptoms that I’ve experience have lead me to believe that this is what is happening. In a later blog I will explain my experience with a therapy session.
PTSD is described Post-Traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that may occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event, series of events, or set of circumstances. An individual may experience this as emotionally or physically harmful or life-threatening and may affect mental, physical, social, and/or spiritual well-being.
Additionally, PTSD is disturbing thoughts and feelings related to their experience that lasts long after the traumatic event was ended. An individual may relieve the event through flashbacks or nightmares; they may feel sadness, fear, anger, or detachment; people with PTSD avoid situations or people that remind them of the traumatic event and may have strong adverse reactions to common reactions such as a loud noise or touch.
Until Next Time
I hope that today’s blog educated you on something that you did not know before. Whether it was about me as a person or learning new terms that you can add to your book of knowledge. Although I was a great child full of a spirit of joy and creativity, I was wearing a mask to cover up my fears, embarrassment, and disappointment. Stay tuned for Part 2: Six and Sick. Check out the “Dear Queen” Worksheet to write down things that you would tell your younger self what you know now that you did not know before.
-Cassandra Clare
Stay Blessed,
🤎 D 🤎