Author: DeShala Walker

There are no secrets that time does not reveal.-Jean Racine Introduction Today’s blog is a continuation of the “D. Walk Childhood Memories: Trauma Story Part One.” I encourage you to check it out to learn more about my childhood story before you dive into Trauma Story Part 2.  Trauma story part one focused on defining the term (childhood) molestation and the effects that it may have on children. I talked about the emotions and struggles that I’ve experienced that stemmed from my childhood. Today’s blog will focus on my childhood trauma in more detail, from what I remember to the best of my ability. Please take caution, some of the information in this blog displays sensitive information that is not easy for me to share and it is a journey for me to continue to heal from.  “Remembering is easy. It’s forgetting that is hard.” –Brodi Ashton D. Walk I grew up in a small city in Wisconsin and attended a diverse elementary school. Back then, I remember teachers and substitute teachers who looked like me. My education journey started off by attending a 4k school that consistently checked on my cognitive capabilities because I was born premature.  My mom told me that I passed all the tests, praise God! God was raising a special child and he knew the plan that he had for my life. I transitioned to an elementary school for a short period of time. Internally I am laughing because I can hear my mom say, “ I got sick of driving 15-20 minutes to and from home to take you to school.” If you knew my mom and her personality, you would laugh too. Then finally, I landed at Merrill elementary school for first through fifth grade.  My first-grade experience may have been similar to yours. You go to school to learn, play, make friends, and go home. Most students enjoy gym class, but my favorite class was music and going to the Library Media Center (LMC). I enjoyed singing and going to the library to read books like “Arthur’s new Puppy”, by Marc Brown and the “Green Eggs and Ham”, by Dr. Suess. I dreaded going home after school because I knew that my parents were still at work. Which meant that my babysitter came by to take care of me and my sibling. At least that is what my parents expected him to do. At the time, my parents were both working second shift and it was convenient to have a family member babysit us. Most of my baby-sitters were pleasant to be around. They fed us, gave us age-appropriate toys to play with such as puzzles, and books, or took us to the park at times. Unfortunately, there was one baby-sitter who thought it was fun to take their play “adventure” to the next level, and to this very day, I do not understand why. None of it makes sense to me and it is still a disappointment about his actions towards me. I still don’t understand what he was thinking at the time. I guess this is why I wish that I could completely erase the memory or that I had the courage to say something when the incident was fresh. Next, I will share some of the incidents to the best of my ability. From what I remember, there were two different incidents that occurred at this point of time in my life. I think this is as vulnerable as a person can get.  Secrets are dark things. They don’t exist in the light. They glow faintly in forgotten colors, in mysterious mind nooks, in lost memory maps. Secrets are the shadows of the soul. -Sukanya Venkatraghavan Forgetting to Forget If you are following my story, I shared my childhood was not bad, but there are moments in your childhood when you wish you could go back and replay it. These moments in my childhood reminded me of simpler times and the joys of being a child. Then there are moments that you want to stop replaying it because it is something that you wish you could forget. As you read on, you will understand why.  Incident #1 I remember it like it was yesterday. For you to understand the story a little better, I would like to describe the layout of my bathroom. When you enter the bathroom door, the sink was on the right side. Next to the sink was the toilet and directly across was the bathtub. For whatever reason, the perpetrator told me to go to the bathroom. I automatically thought that he wanted me to try to go to the bathroom, and I pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet. I did not have to go at the time. Then he told me to stand up and to stand in front of the tub and bend over. I don’t think I need to go into much detail as far as what happened next.  As it was happening, I remember crying as my face was feeling uncomfortable on the bathroom rug. Apparently, he wanted me to stop crying so he thought it would be a better idea to prop my body up towards the bathtub and to me, that was still uncomfortable. I remember feeling my body react to the trauma and I ended up having a bowel movement as he exited out of me. He was upset and I tried to clean myself up a little, but he told me to leave so that he can clean himself up. I cried and I did not understand what happened to me. I also remember feeling disgusting and uncomfortable because I could smell myself and I did not want to go to bed without feeling clean.  Incident #2 At this point and time, I was watching Johnny Bravo or the Power Puff Girls on TV. I remember a brown bed with the drawers at the bottom. Due to my bowel movement the first time, he…

Praying To God & Telling My Dad Disclaimer: when I say enemy, I am referring to the devil. Like there is heaven and hell, there is a God and a Devil, and they are real. Introduction The enemy did not want me to open up about my insecurities, and he didn’t even want me to start this blog. That is why he tried to do anything he could to distract my mind. But GOD! God was showing me dreams left and right that lifted my spirits and encouraged me to keep going. I think the beauty of it is that my dream is God’s dream for my life. I am constantly reminded that, with God, anything is possible. All you have to do is believe in him! Get To Steppin One day, I was sitting in a room with a group of friends from church, and we were having a conversation about our personal trials and tribulations. I enjoy hanging around this group of ladies because we are all comfortable and real with each other. We tell each other what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. I call that real love.  I believe that God brings us close to people for a reason. It is one of the most beautiful experiences, especially when you develop comfort and lasting friendships through healthy relationships. Monday, April 18th, 2022, was the day that I opened about my childhood trauma to my lady friends.  After I opened up about what happened, one of my friends encouraged me to tell my dad. I shook my head no because I’d held back from saying anything for so long. Ultimately that is what the enemy wants. He knew this was the next step I had to take to break a generational cycle. I believe that God wants to take me to the next level, but I had to believe in him (God) and myself to take the initial step. However, that is often an uncomfortable thing to do. A Fresh Breath Of Life As I was driving home from church on Sunday, April 24th, 2022., I was listening to Mike Todd’s message about forgiveness. As I was listening to the sermon, my heart started to pound. I knew that this was the day I would open up to my dad about my childhood trauma. Additionally, I remember thinking of something that stood out to me. The initial feeling would not go away. I remembered something that one of my friends shared with me; she said something like this: “Sometimes you have to be selfish. You can’t worry about how others will feel or what they will think of you. This is for you to begin your healing process to move forward in your life.” I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex.  Believe me when I say that I was not in a hurry to my apartment. I walked up to the third floor and slowly unlocked the door. When God puts something on my heart and it does not go, away; it continues to bother me until I do something about it.  As I was pacing back and forth, I reminded myself that this is going to be a good thing, and this was going to bring me that much closer to my dad here on earth and my dad in heaven. I sat down and said a prayer to God. I said something similar to this: “Lord, I believe, and I trust in you, and I know that you are present in this room. I will finally open up my heart and tell my dad about my childhood trauma. Help me to have the courage to say what I know that I need to say and protect my dad from moving forward and acting in a way that is displeasing to you. Help him to be open and understanding. Amen.” I share this prayer with you because I believe every parent wants to protect their child in every shape and form.   I am not a parent, but over the years, I’ve learned that parents have an instinct to protect their child(ren). My dad is a 5’11 man with muscles and a round belly, but he has a BIG heart. He used to tell my brother and me that he was hurting inside when my brother or I were hurt or crying. I believe that is a parent’s way of expressing his love for his child(ren). My dad always tells me that I will understand what it is like to love a child when I have my own because it is the real deal.   As I scrolled through my phone contacts and clicked on ‘Dad’ to call him (my heart was pumping hard through my chest). He answered the phone as usual, saying something silly that always makes me laugh. I could tell that he was ironing his clothes because I heard the iron board screech as he pressed the iron against his clothes.  Simultaneously, I asked my dad if he could pray with me, and even though he responded and said, “ok”  with a slight hesitation, I felt that he knew something was wrong. I said something like, “Lord, you are with us as I tell my dad what happened to me when I was a little girl. I am telling him this because I want to break the generational curse and begin the healing process. Give me the strength to be honest. I know that this will bring us a lot closer moving forward. Amen.”  The conversation went something like this:  “What’s Wrong?” said dad.I burst out crying as I begin to tell him what happened and then I said, “This trauma has affected me in ways that I did not understand over the years. I am seeking professional help. Today, I feel very uncomfortable when I am around him and I hate it.” As simple as that may sound, it took me 25 years to say…

Trauma Story Part I There are wounds that never show up on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”-Laurell K Hamilton Introduction As I press the keys on my keyboard and cringe at my feet, I know that today’s blog post pushes me out of my comfort zone. I think it is essential to be transparent about what I was struggling with and how I’ve evolved into the woman I am progressing to be. I am passionate about seeking a bigger and better future for my life and my future kid’s life. My goal is to continue to overcome challenges that I am faced with and leave a legacy on this earth to remind young girls and women that your past does not define who you are. You are in control of your future.  Today’s blog post will focus on defining the term (childhood) molestation and the effects that it can have on children. I will walk you through the emotions and struggles that I’ve experienced that stemmed from my childhood, and in a later blog post, I will share my struggles I’ve encountered as an adult. Sexual Assault is a broad term for standard terms such as rape and childhood molestation and is not something I take lightly.    What is molestation? Molestation Definition Unfortunately, many people grow up feeling like they are the only one who has been through such a horrific tragedy. But that is far from the truth. Molestation is defined as something or someone making improper or inappropriate physical force and unusual contact with someone (usually a minor). Another definition describes it as Molestation also applies to incest by a relative with a minor family member and any sexual acts short of rape. Below is some of the list of consequences documented by the Center for Disease Control (CDC): Experiencing child sexual abuse can affect how a person thinks, acts, and feels over a lifetime. This can result in short- and long-term physical, mental, and behavioral health consequences. Examples of physical health consequences include: Examples of mental health consequences include: We’ve all experienced some good times and “lesson-learned” moments in our life that shape how we think and perceive things today. However, that does not mean that you must stay in a defeated mindset. But have you really taken the time to reflect on something from your childhood that made you smile, cry, or scare you?  Read on to learn more about D. Walk, me. D.Walk If you were anything like me as a kid, all I wanted to do was eat and play instead of going to bed early. I stayed up late to watch my favorite TV show, The PowerPuff Girls, played with my sibling, or read a book. Yes, I enjoyed reading until I fell asleep. Unlike most kids my age, I also enjoyed going to school.   I was always the kid who was goofy and had a ridiculous amount of energy). Finally, I loved to run, sing, and dance.  My dad described me as a happy kid who always looked forward to attending school. Most people dreaded going to school, but not me. Every year, I would go school supply shopping with my mom or dad, and as soon as I arrived home, I would take all of my school supplies out of the Walmart bag and put them in my backpack. I usually organized my notebooks and folders by color. I put my scissors, glue, pencils, and eraser in the pencil box because I was so eager to learn and level up. This is probably why I am so organized today. My mom described me as a giddy child, kiddo full of life, energy, and giggles. I was always conscious about the way I presented myself when it comes to my apparel and hairstyles ; believe it or not, I am still like that person today. My mom told me that as a child I scared one of my aunties when I nearly ran across the street. The street was not a busy street, but people tend to accelerate faster than 25 hours per hour which is why my aunt reaction was so big. I made her stitches rip out of her skin. OUCH!-sorry, auntie. You can say I scared her so bad that I was in a lot of trouble that day, and she might have been frustrated with her injury too. Who knows!? I was raised in a home where my parents worked a job to pay the bills and keep food on the table to take care of my brother and me.  I loved watching Cartoon Network and Disney Channel. Growing up, I considered myself a perfectionist, I wanted to be perfect, but we all know that we all fall short and make mistakes. I grew up with that mentality because I believe it was a culture value in my family. We hope to learn from our mistakes and have the courage to get up and try again. I would describe myself as a bubbly kid who was the best low-key comedian in my hometown and school. Okay, okay, in my world, I was just a kid who loved to smile and to have fun. But I did make several loved ones and friends laugh regularly, and half the time, I was not trying to be funny. One of my friends shared with me that I make her laugh because I always say out loud about what she is thinking. I cherish these moments because it makes our conversation full of laughter and joy. I am too honest at times, but the truth will set you free! My childhood was not bad and may be similar or different from yours. But, these are moments in your childhood when you wish you could go back and replay it. These moments in my childhood reminded me of simpler times and the joys of being a child. Then there are moments that you want…